Brief Teaching on Marriage
From Antipin’s Potrebnik. Chapter 7
Marriage is a sacrament! In case of necessity, when there are no pious priests available, it can also take place without priestly crowning (wedding), according to the following writing:
“If someone, because of constraint or humility, is unable to properly arrange a marriage, then… let the wedding be agreed upon without deceit, by the counsel of the parents of the persons joining together, or in the church for the sake of blessing, or it has been ordered before five friends” (Kormchaya, chapter 49, leaf 178, or according to others 500).
According to the Catechism: “Marriage is a mystery in which the bridegroom and the bride, by their own will and by God’s blessing, are joined together.”
Question: Who is the performer (minister) of this mystery? Answer: “First of all, the Lord God himself,” that is: “then the persons marrying themselves.” (Great Catechism, leaves 391, 392). That is, the one who accomplishes the marriage is the Lord alone!
For this reason we also believe that in case of necessity a lawful marriage can take place without priestly crowning, but only by the consent of the bridegroom and the bride, and with the blessing of the parents; and the one who accomplishes the marriage is the Lord himself alone, by his own blessing!
Therefore our leaders (nastoyateli) cannot in any way be the performers of the marriage, but the performer is the Lord himself alone!
Even though among us there is divine service at marriages, that is, a prayer, this is not considered the accomplishment of the marriage, but only as a simple prayer for those who are marrying.
And this is not some special sacred duty of the leader. No! This can also be performed by all who have only the ability to pray! And it is possible and necessary for all to pray! (Apostolic Canon 234).
Divine Service at the Joining in Marriage, in Case of Necessity, without Priests. Chapter 8.
For the sake of propriety, in the midst of the prayer house, on the side of the bridegroom or the bride, some cloth is spread under their feet. After the usual beginning, the leader asks the relatives: “Is there any carnal or spiritual kinship between the bridegroom and the bride? And if there is kinship, then the marriage must by no means take place!”
And according to civil law it is required that the bridegroom be 18 years old and the bride 16 years old, and younger is forbidden.
And if there is no kinship, then ask the bridegroom three times whether he takes her of his own will, and ask the bride whether she goes of her own will.
After their answer of consent, the leader must explain to them more clearly that it is a time of prayer, and at this time nothing worldly should be thought about, but all thoughts and the mind must be gathered into one and lifted up to heaven unto God, and it should be understood as if standing before the very throne of God and asking mercy from him, that the Lord would look down from the height of his terrible throne and bless the married life, and preserve them in lawful and blameless living.
Likewise, it must be said to all the relatives present and to the fellow believers that everyone must pray with zeal, so that the Lord would grant his blessing upon this marriage. Everyone must remember this: that a marriage can be lawful and happy only if it is deemed worthy of God’s blessing, and God’s blessing comes only through zealous prayer with faith.
After this, take the rings from the bridegroom and the bride and place them on a small plate and set it before the icons. The bridegroom and the bride light candles in their hands and pray while holding them.
The leader begins the usual beginning for the moleben with Psalm 142. After “Alleluia,” this petition:
O Lord, look upon these thy servants (names), who are betrothing themselves to each other; bless them with a spiritual betrothal, preserve them and have mercy. (Bow)
Lord, have mercy. (12 times, with singing and three bows, but only the first ones.)
When “God is the Lord” is sung, after censing the icons and the rings, hand them to the friend (druzhka), who exchanges them three times for the bridegroom and the bride.
The moleben is, according to desire, to the Savior, to the Cross, or to the God-bearer, the Hodegetria, or an akathist; it can be not just one, but more.
The katavasia is read with the name: “Preserve from dangers these thy servants (names).” After the third ode, at the sedalen, after the katavasia, this petition:
O Lord, look upon these thy servants (names), who are joining together in the communion of marriage; bless them, preserve and have mercy. (Bow)
Lord, have mercy. (3 times)
And at the kondak the same petition. And after the kondak:
As many as have been baptized into Christ have put on Christ. Alleluia. 3 times.
Prokeimen, tone 1: Let thy mercy, O Lord, be upon us, according as we have hoped in thee.
Verse: Rejoice in the Lord, O ye righteous.
Apostle (Ephesians), reading 231: Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself up for it; that he might sanctify it, having cleansed it by the washing of water with the word, that he might present the church to himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. Even so ought husbands also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his own wife loveth himself: for no man ever hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as Christ also the church; because we are members of his body. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and the twain shall become one flesh. This mystery is great: but I speak in regard of Christ and of the church. Nevertheless do ye also severally love each one his own wife even as himself.
Alleluia: In thee, O Lord, have I hoped; save me.
Verse: In thy righteousness deliver me and rescue me.
Gospel from John, reading 6: At that time there was a marriage in Cana of Galilee; and the mother of Jesus was there: and Jesus also was bidden, and his disciples, to the marriage. And when the wine failed, the mother of Jesus saith unto him, They have no wine. And Jesus saith unto her, Woman, what have I to do with thee? mine hour is not yet come. His mother saith unto the servants, Whatsoever he saith unto you, do it. Now there were six waterpots of stone set there after the Jews’ manner of purifying, containing two or three firkins apiece. Jesus saith unto them, Fill the waterpots with water. And they filled them up to the brim. And he saith unto them, Draw out now, and bear unto the ruler of the feast. And they bare it. And when the ruler of the feast tasted the water now become wine, and knew not whence it was (but the servants which had drawn the water knew), the ruler of the feast calleth the bridegroom, and saith unto him, Every man setteth on first the good wine; and when men have drunk freely, then that which is worse: thou hast kept the good wine until now. This beginning of his signs did Jesus in Cana of Galilee, and manifested his glory; and his disciples believed on him.
At the end of the moleben this petition:
O Merciful Lord, look upon these thy servants (names); bless and preserve them all the days of their life, save them and have mercy. (Bow)
Lord, have mercy (40 times, the first ones with three bows.)
And the prayer to the God-bearer:
O most pure Lady, Sovereign Lady God-bearer, thou art higher than all angels and archangels, and more honorable than all creation. Thou art a helper of the oppressed, the hope of those who have no hope, a protectress of the poor, a comfort of the sorrowful, a nourisher of the hungry, clothing for the naked, healing for the sick, salvation for sinners, help and protection for all Christians. O all-merciful Lady, Virgin God-bearer, Sovereign Lady, by thy mercy save and have mercy on thy servants (names) and all right-believing Christians. Protect them with thy precious robe, and entreat Christ our God, O Lady, who was incarnate of thee without seed, that he may gird us with his power from on high against our invisible and visible enemies. O all-merciful Lady, Sovereign Lady God-bearer, raise us up from the depth of sins, and deliver us from famine and destruction, from earthquake and flood, from fire and sword, from the invasion of foreigners, from civil war, from sudden death, from the assaults of the enemy, from corrupting winds, from deadly plague, and from every evil. Grant, O Lady, peace and health to all thy servants, the right-believing Christians, and enlighten their mind and the eyes of their heart unto salvation, and make us, thy sinful servants, worthy of the kingdom of thy Son, Christ our God, for his dominion is blessed and most glorified, with his beginningless Father and with his most pure and good and life-giving Spirit, now and ever and unto the ages of ages. Amen.
More honorable. Glory. Now and ever. (With bows) And the dismissal.
After this, having placed the cross on the analoy, we sing:
We bow down before thy cross, O Master, and we glorify thy holy resurrection (three times with bows, according to custom).
Troparion to the cross, three times: Save, O Lord, thy people.
After this the bridegroom and the bride make two bows according to custom. Glory to thy precious cross, O Lord. And they venerate the cross, and then one more bow to the cross.
After this the leader, turning his face to the people, reads the instruction.
Instruction from the holy fathers, how Christians should live with their wives. (Great Book of Needs, chapters 17, 30, 134.)
“Listen, children, and I will tell you what the Christian mystery is, and how to live in the faith of Christ. First of all, have the fear of God in your hearts, that from it you may learn to fear God. For behold, children, the commandments of God are these: to love God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength — this is the first commandment. And the second is like it: to love your neighbor as yourself. Who then, children, is our neighbor? It is every Christian who lives in the faith of Christ.
Again, children, be meek and humble, for the Lord said: ‘Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.’ For meekness is the mother of wisdom and understanding, and of every good work.
Likewise, children, preserve purity of soul and body: let not the husband defile himself with another woman, nor the wife with another man. For thus the men and women of old lived purely and blamelessly, became holy, and, having pleased God, were translated to heaven. So also you, children, live lawfully. Honor Wednesdays and Fridays, for they are two angels of the Lord. Hold the Lord’s Resurrection most honorable, for it is very holy. Do not commit fornication, but guard yourselves completely from it. Honor the holy feasts well. Come to the church of God on those days and diligently occupy yourselves with prayer.
Furthermore, children, be merciful, just as your heavenly Father is merciful. Give alms from your righteous labors, and give alms with love according to your ability. If thou art rich, give more; if thou art poor, give according to thy ability. And every Christian is commanded to give a tenth of his gains to God.
And call a spiritual instructor to yourselves often, and consult with him, so that he may guide you, children, in every good work that is fitting for Christians to do. Hold love and faith toward him without stint.
And thou, brother and son (name), love thy wife and instruct her often, but do not be angry with her. And if she begins not to obey, then chastise her lightly with a rod, but teach her not with malice.
And thou, sister and daughter (name), hold thy husband honorable in all things, and fear him, and render honor and obedience to him in everything, and always consult with him about every matter, for he is thy head. Just as the cross is the head of the church, so the husband is the head of the wife. As the church is subject to Christ, so wives ought to be subject to their own husbands, and not to contradict them, but to be obedient. For God gives honor and glory to the obedient, but bitter torment to the disobedient.
Let it not be hard for thee, child, to be in obedience to thy husband. Be, child, quiet, humble, meek, and cheerful. Have a meek disposition. And therefore, children, listen to the words of the Lord’s instruction.
If you accept these my words, then the mercy of God will be upon you from now and forever, and you will be long-lived on the earth, and you will be glorified before God in heaven, and you will be partakers of his heavenly kingdom.
Strive, children, to keep the commandments of God which I have spoken to you, beginning from small instruction. But if you begin to neglect these things and not to listen to the commandments of God, then I shall not be guilty concerning these things before God, but you will receive according to your deeds in the day of the terrible judgment.
Glory to our God, now and ever and unto the ages of ages. Amen.”
After this we sing: The invincible and divine power of the precious and life-giving cross of the Lord, do not forsake us sinners who hope in thee. (Three times with bows according to custom)
O all-praised Mother who gave birth to the Most Holy Word of all the saints, having received this present offering, deliver all from every misfortune and save from the coming torment those who cry to thee: Alleluia, (three times with the usual bows.)
After this: Glory. Now and ever. (With bows), and the final dismissal.
After the departure bows, the leader greets them with the lawful marriage and at the same time must give instruction about this:
“A lawful marriage does not come from priestly crowning, and not from the crowns which are placed during priestly wedding. No! No! Not from that. A lawful marriage comes from God’s blessing, and God’s blessing can be even without priestly crowning. As it was in the beginning, as you heard in the Gospel: Christ was at the marriage in Cana of Galilee and there he blessed the marriage, and at that time there was no crowning at all, but Jesus was only invited to the marriage. And Christ came and blessed the marriage then. This can also be now: Christ will also come now and bless, only he must be called upon in prayer with faith and mercy,” as is indicated in the apostolic conversations, in various places.
But at the same time it must be observed that at the marriage there should be no songs or dancing. And if songs and games are allowed, then Christ will not come to such a marriage. “To such marriages, instead of Christ, Satan comes with demons, and such marriages, instead of God’s blessing, are worthy of a curse!”
Likewise, all marriages which are crowned by heretics are cursed by God, as it is said: “I will curse your blessing with which the mystery is accomplished” (Apostolic Interpretation, leaf 548). That is, when a heretical priest blesses those who are marrying, then instead of blessing, a curse descends from God upon them.
In the first times of Christianity, for very many years all marriages were without priestly crowning, yet all were lawful and were accounted a great mystery, which I speak concerning Christ and the church, as we have heard from the apostle. When the apostle said this, then for a very long time after him marriages were without crowning, but they were lawful and holy. From this it is clear that the lawfulness of marriages consists not in crowning, but in the keeping of the limits of the law. That is, if those entering into marriage do so at the established time and age, and have no kinship either carnal or spiritual, and by their own honest consent, without any secret connections, and without games and songs, but with faith in prayers and in abstinence and almsgiving, and with the blessing of the parents — upon such marriages there is God’s blessing, and such marriages are lawful.
But in order for the marriage to be lawful, it is not enough merely to have crowning or God’s blessing at the joining in marriage. “But it is necessary to live the whole life lawfully, that is, to keep all the limits of the law in married life.” And if they live as they please without abstinence, then the marriage will also be unlawful.
Many think this way: once they have entered into married life, then they may live as they like without any abstinence, and they consider it no sin at all to be with their wives whenever they please. “But such an understanding is very incorrect! And all such people will be condemned worse than senseless beasts as terrible lawbreakers!” Because even the beasts know only their appointed time.
Lawful marriages were not established so that one could always sin. No, not for that, but only to help one another; and one must also live in great abstinence, “especially keeping oneself throughout the whole year on all days before feasts and on the feasts themselves, and on Wednesday and Friday, and during all fasts, and it is never permitted to go to the bathhouse together.”
He who does not fulfill all this cannot have a lawful marriage, but will be condemned as a lawbreaker.
The apostle says: “There will be a time when those who have wives will be as though they had none,” that is, those who wish to be saved must live in great abstinence. Besides this, they must not leave one another and take another — that is, a husband another wife, or a wife another husband; such a deed is utterly lawless, and there is no repentance for it. They may separate only if they wish to live in solitude for the sake of salvation.
Although marriage is permitted, it is very difficult to be saved in it, especially in these last days. Concerning this it is written: of the worldly it is said by the Holy Ghost that “out of a multitude of souls scarcely one will be saved,” that is, out of ten thousand scarcely one will be saved (Alpha and Omega, chapter 33, leaf 257).
Therefore, in order to be saved one must live very lawfully, and in order to live lawfully one must very often listen to the Scriptures, and consult with knowledgeable people, and fulfill everything according to the Scriptures. And only then can one hope to receive God’s mercy.
Amen.”
Such instruction, and that which is like it, the leader must give not only at the joining in marriage, but also before and after, so that they may better understand and fulfill the will of God. Especially, that from the very beginning they by no means give themselves to songs and dances. And if someone does not obey and holds pre-wedding evening gatherings with songs and games, then on such marriages it is not right to perform the divine service at the joining in marriage. One must in every way keep away from them, so as not to be partakers with them.
From the rules of the holy apostles and fathers:
Apostolic canom 16: “Every faithful husband and wife, having risen in the morning from sleep, before any other work, having washed themselves, let them pray. And if they have any word of instruction from the book, let the word of piety be more honorable to them than any work.” (Kormchaya, chapter 2).
Rule 3 of St. Dionysius the Archbishop: “A husband lawfully joined with his wife, let them not touch one another for a time, and let them occupy themselves with prayer.” (Kormchaya, chapter 26).
Rule 13 of Timothy the Bishop: “For husbands living with their wives it is necessary on Saturday and Sunday that they not approach one another.” (Kormchaya, chapter 32, leaf 260).
Answers of John, Bishop of Kitros, 2: “On Sunday and during the holy Forty and on other days, one must keep oneself even more from wives.” (Kormchaya, chapter 58, leaf 276).
Kormchaya, chapter 48, section 4, article 17: “Marriage is not constituted by the husband sleeping with the wife, but by their marital agreement.”
From the instruction in the Great Book of Needs, chapter 17: “Wednesdays and Fridays, and all feasts, must be kept very honorably and holy.”
Zonara from canon 106: “It is fitting for every Christian that husband and wife have two separate beds for their lying down on Sunday and on holy days and on the Lord’s feasts…. For on these chosen days it is proper to abstain, and not to wallow always like a pig in the mire; for from such lack of restraint passions give birth to every evil and wicked seed.”
Matthew the Canonist, composition 3, leaf 88: According to rule 77, 6 of the Council and rule 30 of the Laodicean Council: “It is never permitted for husbands to wash in the bathhouse with their own wives.”
Apostle, reading 138: “But this I say, brethren, that the time is short, so that those who have wives should be as though they had none.”
Kormchaya, chapter 70, leaves 316, 319: “Whoever shall do anything contrary to the rules, or shall interpret the rules according to his own weakness or for any other reason — let him be anathema.”
Kormchaya, Laodicean Council, rules 10 and 31: “It is not permitted to give one’s daughter in marriage to heretics, but it is possible to take a wife from them only if right there they promise to be Christians.”
Kormchaya, chapter 51, on unlawful marriages, and rule 68 of Basil the Great: “A marriage in kinship is unlawful and not acceptable for repentance until they dissolve the cohabitation. When they dissolve it, then repentance for 15 years.” (This refers to carnal kinship, but with spiritual kinship one must have even greater caution.)
Kormchaya, chapter 52: “A third marriage up to 40 years of age, if there were no children, is permitted, and even then with 5 years of epitimia; but if there were children from the first marriages, it is not permitted.” (This is also in Matthew the Canonist, leaf 70 verso.)
Canon 11 of Timothy the Bishop: “Do not crown unlawful marriages, so that you may not become partakers of their lawlessness.”
Canon 71 of Basil the Great: “He who knows of sins and hides them is subject to the same punishment as those who commit them.”
Great Book of Needs, chapter 17, leaves 140–141: Bigamists and trigamists are subject to epitimia. “A bigamist repents for two years, fasts three days in the week — Monday, Wednesday, Friday — eats once a day, and makes 50 prostrations a day to the ground. But if he is young, then for one year.”
A bigamist must not eat at the marriage with the clergy. “A third marriage is fornication and a beastly way of life; such a person is not allowed into the church for 7 or 5 years and makes 100 prostrations a day. And whoever does not wish to perform the repentance is worse than a pagan and a heretic.”
Note: Such epitimia is laid upon a trigamist if he is still under 40 years of age and if he had no children from the first wives. But if he is over 40 years of age, then it is in no way permitted, as indicated above.
Instruction concerning a second marriage: If it happens that a widower takes a virgin, or a widow marries a young man, then we perform the entire service as indicated for first marriages.
But if both are widowers (widower and widow), then we do the following: The beginning for the moleben is performed according to custom, as indicated above. After Psalm 142, after “Alleluia,” this petition:
Merciful Lord, look upon these thy servants (names) who have come to a second marriage; sanctify and bless them, preserve them, and have mercy, (with a bow).
Lord, have mercy. (12 times with bows, as indicated in the first.)
The moleben consists of one canon: to the Savior, or to the Cross, or to the God-bearer Hodegetria. The katavasia is according to custom, with the name. At the sedalen and the kondak the same petition, and “Lord, have mercy” 3 times. After the kondak: “As many as have been baptized into Christ,” and the prokeimen, and the Apostle, reading 231, as indicated in the first. And the Gospel from Matthew, reading 78:
At that time the Pharisees came to Jesus, tempting him, and saying, Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife for every cause? And he answered and said, Have ye not read, that he which made them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and the twain shall become one flesh? So that they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. They say unto him, Why then did Moses command to give a bill of divorcement, and to put her away? He saith unto them, Moses for your hardness of heart suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it hath not been so. And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and he that marrieth her when she is put away committeth adultery. The disciples say unto him, If the case of the man is so with his wife, it is not expedient to marry. But he said unto them, All men cannot receive this saying, but they to whom it is given. For there are eunuchs, which were so born from their mother’s womb: and there are eunuchs, which were made eunuchs by men: and there are eunuchs, which made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it.
At the end of the moleben the same petition, and “Lord, have mercy” 40 times, then “More honorable than the Cherubim,” “Glory, both now,” and the dismissal.
According to desire, bows to the saints, and the instruction written above. And “The invincible and divine power” and “O all-praised Mother” three times each, and the final dismissal.
Instruction concerning a third marriage: If it happens that one is entering a second marriage and the other a third, then everything is performed as for bigamists.
But if both are entering a third marriage, then we perform it thus: We sing one simple moleben according to custom, without the Apostle and the Gospel, and only this one petition: “Prayer: O Lord, look upon these thy servants (names) who have come to a third union; sanctify and bless them, preserve them, and have mercy,” with a bow. And at the end only the one instruction set forth above.
Bigamists and trigamists must be assigned epitimia according to the rules indicated above, that is, they must carry out the appointed rule for repentance for the determined time. During this time they are not allowed to have communion with others. They must come to the common gatherings for prayer on the feasts and stand in the back simply, only with sighing to God, so that the Lord may accept their repentance.
